It is 9.23.08 and it’s raining. It’s also 5am.
I’m working part time with my brother framing garages on my days off from school. It should be interesting if I can stand him. These past few weeks have been really difficult. I haven’t worked this hard, ever. The problem now is my thesis advisor has basically told me to seriously question my interest in writing a thesis. Writitng has never been my strong suit, and she’s extremely disappointed in what I’ve been producing. It’s not that I can’t keep up with her, it’s that I can’t translate what we talk about to writing.
Her main criticism is completely valid. The goal in writing an undergrad thesis is to prepare for the kind of work I would be doing in a masters program. If I can’t produce content that’s intellectually adequate and clear, than I probably shouldn’t be bothering. I’ve also messed up a few due dates, so she’s really seeing me as questionable at this point.
It could be the case that I’ve just been trying to rush this whole honours program. I’m certainly not ready for all of this, I didn’t realize I’d be writing it this year, and I’m definitely underprepared and underpracticed. Still, I want to do the work, and I want to solidify what I know about Taylor and expand on it.
I’m really at a loss here, and extremely frustrated with my own ability. On the one hand I’d really like to give up on it for now, work and pay off my debt and finish the house. On the other, I think that I might still be able to work on my thesis as well as pursue all of my other interests this year.
What am I if I’m not an intellectual? An arm-chair philosopher?
I think philosophy and academia is really how I’ve been “defining” myself (to speak in Taylor’s terms). Perhaps my practices aren’t authentically reflective of my intentions.
Come back to Japan.