I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t shaken. Not only do I not have an outlet for all of this pent up philosophical angst, I’m cut off from a place that was once pretty important to me. I’m really bummed that the I don’t go to to the University every day to hang out, see and talk to people and profs that I love to see and talk to. For the past week I was sick and so I literally sat on my couch and did nothing but watch TV. I love the Ellen show, I love Holmes on Homes, I love Prank Patrol, I love Star Trek reruns (all eras).

This might seem dramatic, but it’s not. It’s MELOdramatic and I’m sick of feeling sorry for myself.

The Canadian debate was on last night and after watching it I continued my nightly routine of the beginning of Letterman, then YTV’s Prank Patrol, Conan’s intro, Daily Show, Colbert and then fall asleep to TMZ.

This has been the highlight of my days. This morning, I felt much better. My nose had cleared, and my sinuses were manageable. I took the dogs to Safeway and got some groceries and now I’m cleaning out the garage to donate a bunch of junk to Diabetes on Monday and make room to put some basement things in the cleared out garage. I plan on painting my kitchen this weekend too.

Monday I have plans to go help Judy Wasylycia-Leis’ campaign on McPhillips. It should only be about 30mins walk form my house. I’ll also be continuing to work with my brother framing garages until I can find something else.

Its strange trying to be a person (not a student or gaigokujin) and I feel like I’m missing the manual. Tonight, I will try and make Okonomiyaki.

So Wednesday went poorly. I spoke to my adviser, made my proposition for another paper next week and she told me that she wished I was telling her I was volunteering to opt out of this project with her. I really understand her position and I think it’s ultimately better, but I can’t help how let down I feel. Philosophy and ideas are really important to me, and I just feel like I’m only really scratching the surface of what it’s all about. By that, I mean the immense kind of concentration and reading that it takes. It’s true that I’m probably not ready for it, in that I have so much trouble writing in a clear way, and that there are certain “hoops” that i have to “jump” through to show my position. The problem with that is I’m trying write a thesis on a person whose outlook is that economic schemes, politics, every day social interactions ought to be more authentic and honest.

I’m not really trying to find blame in other places, but just underscore these obstacles. Ultimately, I know my writing is really to blame, along with my lack of concentration and sticktuitiveness. The problem now is to find out what I want to do with the rest of my year.

Yesterday, work was fine. We ran in to some trouble on the job site with the concrete having to be poured, so we couldn’t put the roof on a garage. We ended up going to work on one of the boss’ homes again and I polyeurothaned (that’s a verb!) a floor and hung some more drywall. I came home and cleaned up a bit. I unpacked a box that I sent from Japan with some clothes and things in it. I fell asleep watching Colbert. I hate it when I fall asleep when watching TV because then I wake up confused with the TV on some strange program in the middle of the night.

This morning I’ve decided to quit all of my classes, I’m just going to do some chores and then go in to school to withdraw. I don’t think it’s worth splitting up my potential work-week for 3 classes. Needless to say, I’m feeling down about everything and a little bit lost in terms of what to do. Tonight I’ll be going for some dinner with my friend Leslie and then maybe stopping my at Kenley’s on the way home. Tomorrow, Jeannine comes in from Kenora and we’re hanging out for the day and then going to a party at Kristin’s.

Missed my Japanese class this morning. I’m sick and feeling really sore from work yesterday. My brother works on a carpentry crew framing garages in Winnipeg and I’m now working as part of that crew. It rained yesterday, so we worked inside at one of the boss’ homes. I sanded and stained a floor, insulated and hung drywall in a garage. It really made me want to get back working on my own home. It went fine, working with my brother Drew is a breeze, surprisingly.

As for today, I thought I would be really set on quitting my thesis project, but I’m actually considering giving it another week or so. I’ll talk to my adviser today now that she’s had a chance to read my latest (shit) paper. We’ll see how it goes, I just can’t see myself NOT being involved in a project like this throughout the year, but at the same time, I don’t think I have the chops.

Jeannine is still in Kenora working really hard on the NDP compaign there, and I miss having her around a lot. I’m meeting my Mom for lunch, I have class tonight and I’ll be going to my friend Leslie’s tonight for dinner.

I’m working part time with my brother framing garages on my days off from school. It should be interesting if I can stand him. These past few weeks have been really difficult. I haven’t worked this hard, ever. The problem now is my thesis advisor has basically told me to seriously question my interest in writing a thesis. Writitng has never been my strong suit, and she’s extremely disappointed in what I’ve been producing. It’s not that I can’t keep up with her, it’s that I can’t translate what we talk about to writing.

Her main criticism is completely valid. The goal in writing an undergrad thesis is to prepare for the kind of work I would be doing in a masters program. If I can’t produce content that’s intellectually adequate and clear, than I probably shouldn’t be bothering. I’ve also messed up a few due dates, so she’s really seeing me as questionable at this point.

It could be the case that I’ve just been trying to rush this whole honours program. I’m certainly not ready for all of this, I didn’t realize I’d be writing it this year, and I’m definitely underprepared and underpracticed. Still, I want to do the work, and I want to solidify what I know about Taylor and expand on it.

I’m really at a loss here, and extremely frustrated with my own ability. On the one hand I’d really like to give up on it for now, work and pay off my debt and finish the house. On the other, I think that I might still be able to work on my thesis as well as pursue all of my other interests this year.

What am I if I’m not an intellectual? An arm-chair philosopher?

I think philosophy and academia is really how I’ve been “defining” myself (to speak in Taylor’s terms). Perhaps my practices aren’t authentically reflective of my intentions.

This morning I at least made breakfast for myself. Jeannine came home last night, she had news that she’d be moved to northern-ontario’s riding to work on the federal election temporarily. It’s not very good news, because we’ll apart for the entire month unless I come out to visit her. It’s about a 2.5 hour drive.

I’m not looking forward to it, but I have other things I need to be doing as well. I guess it’s because I hardly had any commitments to anything in Japan outside of working for about 3 hours a day, but I just can’t bring myself to be proactive about anything. I need to get on top of my reading, I need to get to the gym, I need to get a job, but after I finish my classes for the day (usually one 50-min class) I’m exhausted. I’m such a baby.

I think what I need to do is jsut get a job and get some structure. My brother works for a team that frames garages and he’s offered me work for two days out of the week. I think I might take it up, at least it’ll give me some much needed structure in my god forsaken life.

This morning Jeannine and I got up late and she drove me to school. The people who she was to meet at the legislature weren’t around, and when I got to school I had found out my books were in my other bag. We called one another and then Jeannine came back and picked me up. We went back home to get my books and then we went for a bite to eat and ran some errands. She got a call from one of the leg people, so we went to the provincial office for her meeting, then she drove me to school.

I read for a good 3 hours and finished my article. I’m reading Taylor’s “What is Human Agency?” and it’s a tad insane. Taylor is an accomplished philosopher of mind outside of all of his other work in moral and social-political work. Phil-grads only dream of having as much good work in one area as he has had in multiple ones.

I saw Bonnie, and it was really great to see her. Bonnie is one of the coolest people I know because she thinks a lot and doesn’t take herself so seriously. She’s also hilarious and has a really great outlook on things. We chatted for about half an hour and she had to get to class.

I’m now upstairs in the computer lab trying to hammer out some comments on the Taylor paper. I think it’ll take me most of the evening.

I only feel a little ashamed. I have stopped recording my life for the past few days because I’ve been instead reading and writing more than I ever have in my life up until now. It’s also been due to the face that the boxes I had sent from Japan have still not arrived. My ricecooker and my camera and my harddrive and my favourite jacket. They’re all still in transit.

It’s not so bad really. I’m still living out a bag and I get up in the morning not really knowing what to do next until finally I stumble out of my house (sometimes shaved, sometimes not) and cart off to school. I really need to think harder about what I want out of this year.

to do:

keep up with japanese - so far this is going really well with my quite intensive course at the UW

write a thesis - i handed in my proposal on monday. it was an exhausting and emotional experience in itself.

keep fit - this, or next week i must figure out a morning routine of working out in the mornings after i make breakfast at home.

finish the house - i have yet to do anything substantial to the rennovations i had planned for the house.

learn drums - i play every day, but basic rock is getting a tad boring.

these are, admittedly not insanely difficult things to accomplish this year, but they are all encompass so much more than the sum of their parts. i just need so badly to feel like i know what to expect… oh well. i need to get to class now. i have no idea what we’re doing today.

I’ve been insanely busy these past few days. Thursday I spent the majority of my day in the library reading and finding books to pad my proposal. Forsey has agreed to advise my thesis so I’m really excited about that. Went for late lunch with my Mom to Carlos and Murphy’s and then we came back here and watched some TV. She left around 5 or so, and I ordered pizza and had an early night.

Friday I had my Japanese class and then I spent all day registering and running around for permissions and things to register. The whole process took about 4 hours but I now have a library ID and I can take books out and look at journals from home. I’m back at home and Jeannine is about to arrive. We’re going to my friend Leslie’s birthday tonight and then haning out at the PARK theatre with Kristin afterward. It should be nice.

Weather in Winnipeg is strange. It’s cold, feeling about 10ish celsius in the shade, and 20ish in the sun. I’m not complaining, I just want to wear one type of clothing instead of having to keep changing. Got up, similar routine, at school by 9am, had breakfast and read some Letourneau (a new book on the history of nationalism in Quebec that takes a historical and almost deconstructionist perspective). Had Japanese class and we spent a long time on the ‘te’ and ‘potential’ verbs. Holy shit Japanese is so much harder than I thought it was. Also, I wish I would have studied before going over. There are a lot of things that now make sense.

After class I had a talk with Savickey and I’m fairly sure I’m settling in to Charles Taylor as a topic. What in Taylor I’ll be discussing, I’m truly uncertain. I wish I didn’t lend so many books out, and I wish I hadn’t sent all of my important books by surface shipping (along with my camera and my harddrive) because I still can’t access the fucking library fucking properly fuck. I worked on my Japanese homework for the month, it took 2 hours. I ate a grilled cheese and spent my last bit of money on a coffee and went to my Moral seminar.

In my Moral class we’re still trying to test the waters of the class, Tomsons is a lot different than the other prof’s I’ve had. Where others would discuss (or I’d expect they’d discuss) the foundations of moral theory, or the kinds of problems there are with a liberal-democratic tradition, Tomsons seems to take it whole-heartedly. There’s something to be said for that, as it’s the norm, and it’s how people think of things like justice and human rights, but I can’t help thinking I want more out of it. Regardless of this, I think that it’s still very much worthwhile.

The exercise for today was to write one indubitable good, and one indubitable bad on the board. I, being cheeky, wrote as a good ‘kissing my grandmother’ and as a bad ‘punching my grandmother’. Due to my (of course) haste and confidence, I was second to write and thus talk about why these things might be indubitable, but of course admitted that they might as well come under some tension when I’m ‘forced’ to punch nana to ’save’ her from being killed, or something to that effect. It was fine, everyone had a nice laugh and in those cases, it usually allows other people who are slightly more shy than I am to not take these exercises so seriously.

Last to speak was a fellow I’d made friends with last class, Benjamin. Ben wrote ‘to cause injustice’ as a bad, and ‘to be free’ as a good. He then went on to tell a story about his ‘bad’ example. Ben is a Canadian citizen, but he was born in the Sudan. Today was his birthday, and his mother had called him very early in the morning to chat. They hadn’t spoken in 2 years. She told him about the time she was pregnant with Ben, and had been falsely accused of being a supporter of the Rebels. Ben’s brother, her son, was a high ranking rebel. Her husband, Ben’s father, was a high ranking official in the police force with the government. The father was on assignment somewhere in Khartoum. While he was away, she had been dragged to the town-hall and severely beaten and would have been killed if not for her husband being notified of what was happening. We narrowed Ben’s ‘bad’ down to “Beating a pregnant woman who is denied justice.”

Be broke for 10mins soon after this, and I couldn’t help but think about the differences between these examples. Mine of ‘punching my grandmother’ made in jest, but making a point about doing harm to others in general, and ‘causing injustice’ with a real-world example form Ben. It’s quite possible that all of Western Philosophy that I know, and everything I’ve been working on up until now is just born out of a kind of Nation-wide, or Historical-state of boredom and malaise. That since we are not focused on problems like “let’s live until tomorrow” or “let’s have fair trials” or “let’s not be beaten out of ignorance” that we concern ourselves with things like “flag-pins” or “epistemic commitments” or “chocolate or vanilla”. It’s a fucking luxary in comparison and it made me sincerely question what my intentions are in completing a degree and continuing my education. Perspective is an interesting thing, and it’s good to be reminded every so often.

I went home, and Jeannine came in from Gimli. I made some steamed veggies and tofu for dinner with rice. It was rather delicious. We watched ‘Smart People’ with Dennis Quaid and S.J. Parker and that girl from Juno. I enjoyed it, but by the end it just turned out to be balls and then I regretted it. We went to bed soon after.

Got up around 9am, I shouldn’t have slept so long. I took the dogs out and checked email and did the normal morning things I do. I’m still not setting a routine, and it’s really bothering me. It will start tomorrow I reckon. 7am wake, walk dogs, make breakfast, shower and be ready for the day. I think in Japan I was just so used to catching up with the news of the day back home. Given the time difference, most emails and facebook things would happen while I was sleeping. Here, it’s more in the evening that content comes out.

Emailed some profs about my thesis and decided I needed to go to school to talk and work out some issues. I didn’t end up leaving until about noon. Spoke for a while with Savickey, and I’m feeling a lot more like I’ve been settling in to a topic. Narrowing it down, it’s going to be on Charles Taylor and the idea that all of our social actions are representative of our moral person. An epistemological outlook that carries over and informs a prescriptive account of the way we ought to live. I don’t really know what this is called still… Holism? Virtue Ethics? Let’s just say it’s going to be both difficult and interesting, but at the very least, contemporary. I have to now decide on an advising prof. I’m thinking Forsey or Keenan, but Keenan is very skeptical of me I think, and it’s hard to feel reinforced by him. Amazing prof, but perhaps Forsey has more knowledge on the subject? I think I need to have another talk with Keenan.

I ate lunch and hung around at the library looking at a few books and journals. It’s been really difficult still not being properly registered because I can’t take books home or use any of the computers at school except for the express library 5-min terminals. I killed a few hours in the library and then decided to wander home.

In the basement, I played drums for two hours. By “played” I mean, played basic rock over and over again trying to change it just slightly. Drums are hard, but I think they’ll be enjoyable. I read an article for tomorrow’s honours class and then took the dogs for a walk to get groceries. I brought a bunch of shit back and made the most fucked-up omlette ever. Lot’s o’ cabbage. Watched some podcasts and then took the aircon out of the window in the bedroom.

I’m tired and had a really full day, or at least it felt like a full day. Karim has emailed me back and I’m going to read it, and then crawl in to bed and watch some TV. kthxbye.

here’s the article I was reading:
http://spot.colorado.edu/~heathwoo/Phil160,Fall02/thomson.htm

Woke up with Jeannine, she left for work and I got ready for class. By 9am I was on the way to school. Had breakfast and worked on some Japanese before heading to class. Today we worked on verb conjugation which is extremely difficult for me. The conversational things I can handle, but the verb and adjective differences are really something I haven’t even looked at before. After class I spent some time with Forsey talking about my thesis and by noon it was too late to speak with Savickey.

I left school and took the bus all the way down to my old place of work to visit my boss and a few friends. The bus took almost 50mins and I had to change 3 times. In total, I traveled about 30km. Compared to Japan, that’s fucking ridiculous and I want a god damn transit system that does not make me want to buy a car just so I don’t have to fucking deal with such a terribly unorganized and retarded system of buses that don’t even take me close to where I need to go. Fuck you Winnipeg Transit. Fuck you City of WInnipeg. Make things better.

At Consumers, I saw my old boss and some co-workers and friends Maggie and Tyler. Caught up with everyone and had some lunch with them all. I waited for Mags to finish work and we went to the UM to have a coffee. Stu, her boyfriend and my friend since highschool, finished up when she began class, so I left with Stu. We headed back to his place where we just hung out and then decided to make dinner. A vegetable stir-fry with this amazing lime-juice sauce we discovered on a vegetarian website. Went shopping and then made dinner, Maggie came home and then we ate it. I was worried about the dogs, so they drove me home soon after.

Home, I’m watching TV in bed and feel exhausted, but can’t sleep. Stupid Jeannine not being here. Tomorrow I have a shit-ton of things to do. Everything from thesis-work to reading to housework. Wish me luck.